If you’re waiting for the perfect day to get this right, you’ll be waiting forever. We learned that seven times.

We’re a Christian husband and wife with seven kids, and we’ve potty trained all seven. In order, that’s boy, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, boy. One was ready at barely two. One said no until he was nearly four. Every house had its share of puddles, laundry and surprises.

I’d love to tell you we had a system from day one. We didn’t. We figured it out the slow way.

Our first son: we started because it felt like time

With our first son we started around two and a half. Not because he showed us he was ready, but because that’s when it felt like we were supposed to. A cousin was walking at nine months and potty trained by two, his parents told us, and we figured our son should be able to do the same.

Looking back, he wasn’t the one feeling the pressure. We were.

Since he was our first, we tried everything. Books. A small cup potty chair he ignored. Stories on the potty. Skittles just for trying. A sit every 30 minutes. He’d sit forever, playing wrestlers with his hands and making faces at himself in the mirror. He hated how long it took because it cut into his playtime.

What finally changed wasn’t a trick. He started to dislike wet spots in his underwear, and his age and awareness caught up. By the time he was three, it had clicked. It just took a long time.

Our second son: ready, but not willing

Our second son was nothing like our first. He was almost four. He stayed dry overnight, he knew when he was wet or messy, and he wanted to be changed right away. But he had zero interest in the potty. He’d go to the corner to poop, then come out and ask for a clean diaper. His thinking was simple: “Why do I need to? I can go right here and just get changed.”

We were getting ready to move, Mom was feeding the baby while we packed boxes, and I was traveling for work two to three weeks a month. The pressure crept in, mostly as deadlines. “You’re going to be four.” “You have to be trained by the time we move.”

None of it worked. It finally clicked a month or two before the move, when he fell in love with his favorite-character underwear, superheroes just like his big brother, and wanted to show it off.

What the pediatric sources say

When we later read what the experts say, it sounded a lot like our living room.

Pushing your child when your child isn’t ready can lead to a frustrating power struggle.

Mayo Clinic

The Mayo Clinic also says it simply: “Let your child’s motivation, instead of your eagerness, lead the process.” That sentence took a lot of pressure off our home.

Six things seven kids taught us

• Watch your child, not the calendar.
• Choose presence over pressure.
• Prepare your home and your calendar.
• Team up, because potty training is a family project.
• Celebrate the try, not only the result.
• Give grace for the mess.

None of that is fancy. It’s the same calm, connected approach we try to bring to everything else at home. If that’s the kind of home you’re building, you may like Embracing Calm Parenting.

Strong families are built one ordinary day at a time, and that includes the messy ones.

Keep reading

• You’re Not Behind: When Is a Child Ready for Potty Training?
• What I Wish Other Dads Knew About Potty Training
• The Family Systems That Keep a Big House Running

Want to see how we do it?

We put what we learned into a book. Get a free 12-page sample, with a letter to Mom, our sixth principle and two printables you can use tonight.

Not medical advice. One family’s experience, shared with grace.