I’m not a dad who thinks well on his feet.

When the kids weren’t minding, I used to feel the pressure to come up with a fair consequence right then, while I was frustrated. That’s usually when I either said too much or let it slide. Neither one helped anyone.

What changed things for us was deciding on the consequences ahead of time. We learned the approach from Nicholeen Peck’s Teaching Self-Government, and then we made it work for our house with two jars and some paper.

How our two jars work

We printed our list of consequences and cut each one into its own strip of paper. Then we sorted them into two jars. One jar is labeled Level 1. The other is labeled Level 2.

My wife keeps a running list of chores on her phone, and she’s thinking about what would work well for the kids all day long. It’s easy for her to pull one up. I’m different. I needed to know what she felt was right for a Level 1 and what was right for a Level 2.

Having that settled in advance means that when she’s away, I can give a consequence at the level we both agreed on. The kids get the same thing from either of us. I’m not guessing, and I’m not making it up out of frustration.

Letting the kids pull a slip of paper

When the kids are misbehaving or not minding, we go to the jar. I have them pull the Level 1 jar down and pull out a slip of paper. For the little ones who can’t reach it yet, I pull the jar down for them.

Here’s what I noticed. When the kids choose their own consequence, and pull that slip of paper out of the jar themselves, they’re far more likely to actually do it. Choosing it gives them some ownership.

Level 1 is quick on purpose

The Level 1 consequences are so easy that a child can finish one in about two minutes. They go do it, come back and say, “I’m done,” and we hug and say, “I love you.” That’s it.

There’s no big, drawn-out scene. It’s over almost as fast as it started, and we’re back to being a family.

When we move to Level 2

Sometimes a child keeps it up or is just feeling stubborn. Then we move up to Level 2. These are bigger chores that take somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour, and the kids don’t want those.

The jars help me here too. Because the levels are already set, I never escalate things beyond where they need to be. I don’t pile on in the moment.

Reporting back

One step in Nicholeen’s approach that we love is reporting back. When a child finishes, they come to us and say, “I completed my consequence. Can I report?” We thank them, give a high five, and move on together. It gives them ownership and gives us a chance to catch them doing something right.

Something I didn’t expect

I’ve often found that kids punish themselves more than we would for a small mistake. The jars give them a way to make it right, quickly and calmly, without us adding anything on top.

A system for the whole family

The goal isn’t to make anyone feel bad. It’s to teach our kids to correct themselves, and to keep Mom and Dad on the same page whoever is home.

If you’d like to try this, download our printable Level 1 and Level 2 consequences list, cut it into strips, and start with two jars.

And if you’re building a calmer home overall, our family systems posts walk through the other agreements we use.

What’s a consequence that worked in your home? Share it in the comments, and join our Facebook group for daily family deals and ideas.

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