A word from a dad of seven to the dad who isn’t sure what his part is.

I’ll be honest. When our second son was almost four, I was traveling two to three weeks a month, and when I got home I brought deadlines instead of presence. “You’re going to be four. This is what big boys do.” I tried to lay down the law with a kid who didn’t respond to it.

What I learned is that our kids needed time, and a dad who stayed close.

What I wish other dads knew

It’s really not that bad, but it does take patience. Make it fun and it will go better. Too much pressure, showing disappointment, and not being willing to help clean up will make it difficult for everyone.

Remember that your child has never done this before. Your wife may not have ever done this before, either. There’s no perfect way to learn, other than doing it. Take an “ain’t nothing to it but to do it” attitude.

I didn’t know how excited and proud I’d feel when I saw my child level up. I end up telling everyone my child is potty training, or trained.

Five ways to show up

• Ask, then listen. Ask Mom what she’s noticing, and take her read seriously.
• Protect the weekend. Say no to the invitations so she doesn’t have to.
• Prepare your patience. A rushed child can’t go, so plan to sit with them and give them time.
• Plan your response. Decide ahead of time what you’ll say when there’s an accident.
• Be the cheerleader. “You’re leveling up, son. I’m so proud of you.”

If you travel for work

Show up in the small moments: a phone call, a bedtime story, a high five on the way out the door. Tell your wife you’re in it with her, and don’t try to make up for lost time with pressure. Pick the week you can be home, and protect it.

If you’re wrestling with the bigger question of work and family, I wrote about it in How to Balance Work and Family Life as a Provider for a Large Family.

Teaching a son to stand (later)

The AAP’s advice is to start with sitting. As they put it, “Boys can urinate by sitting down first and can stand up to urinate when better at it.” We always favored sitting because it seemed cleaner. Mom did most of the teaching, and the boys had already seen her sit.

Standing usually comes later, often the first time they see a urinal in a public restroom, and that is a good moment for Dad to step in. It’s also a good time to show him he doesn’t have to take his underwear and pants all the way off in a public restroom. Pulled down just far enough, everything stays cleaner and nobody is juggling clothes.

Out with a daughter and no Mom

If you’re on your own with a daughter, expect to improvise. You may end up taking her into a stall in the men’s room, like I did. Decide what you’re comfortable with before you get to the door, give yourself extra time, and ask her whether she can hold it, since she knows her body better than you do.

Stay close. Skip the deadline. Cheer loud.

Those small moments add up. If you want a simple daily habit for connecting with each of your kids, try The 7-7-7 Rule in Parenting.

Keep reading

• Why One-on-One Mentoring Transforms Family Relationships
• Understanding the Value of Time: Building Connection by Intentional Living
• Why Our Youngest Changed His Underwear Every Time He Sat

Dads, start here.

Our free 12-page sample includes a letter to Mom, our six principles and two printables. The full book has a whole chapter just for dads, with a checklist.

Not medical advice. One family’s experience, shared with grace.