It started with a pair of underwear on the bathroom floor.
Our youngest changed his underwear every time he sat on the potty. Every time. And each pair got left at the base of the toilet.
At first we wondered what we were doing wrong, and whether we needed a better reward chart. We had done this six times before, and we hadn’t seen this one.
What we tried first
For months before he started, we asked if he wanted to sit on the potty, diaper on or off, just to see how it felt. No pressure. When it was time, we had the things that had worked for the others: Skittles, praise, and a prize for a streak. His prize was a new mask for three days dry. He got a lot of masks for his birthday and loves them, and he still brings it up himself.
What he was really asking for
What we figured out is that the underwear wasn’t really the point. It was the attention. He’s disappointed if Mom isn’t in the bathroom to see it. When Dad tells him, “You’re leveling up, son. I’m so proud of you,” he gets a big grin on his face.
The time we spent with him mattered more to him than any prize we could have offered.
When nobody was right there
He had three accidents early on, and each one happened when we weren’t right there. None of it was his fault or anyone’s. It showed us that the first days need a plan for the times we aren’t home. Now we get the older kids on the team, because they can be the helper, the cheerleader, or the one who grabs spare clothes.
The day the Skittles ran out
About a week in, he asked for Skittles, and we were out. He had to be okay with that, and he was, though he seemed puzzled that he had gone potty and didn’t get another treat. That’s a chance to help a child see that treats run out, and the pride stays.
One more thing we say to all our kids in the morning: “Goodness, you look like you grew last night.” They love hearing that we notice.
The lesson for us
After seven kids, we believe the greatest investment we can make is in relationships. Potty training is no different. Presence beats pressure, and a few calm minutes together can do more than any chart on the wall.
If you’re looking for simple ways to give each child that attention, The 7-7-7 Rule in Parenting is one we use. And if your child is doing something that makes you shake your head, it may be worth asking what they’re really asking for.
Keep reading
- Why One-on-One Mentoring Transforms Family Relationships
- What I Wish Other Dads Knew About Potty Training
- Potty Training Doesn’t Have to Be a Battle
See how we choose presence over pressure.
Get our free 12-page sample, with a letter to Mom, our six principles and two printables you can use tonight.
Not medical advice. One family’s experience, shared with grace.
