A Self-Government Approach to Restoring Peace & Order in Your Home
A few years ago, we were at the end of our rope. The house was chaotic, the kids weren’t listening, and no matter how much we nagged, yelled, or bribed, nothing seemed to change.
Then, we discovered Nicholeen Peck’s book, Parenting A House United: Changing Children’s Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self-Government, and it completely transformed our home.
Her step-by-step approach helped us see that the problem wasn’t our kids—it was that they hadn’t been taught how to govern themselves. And we, as parents, needed to lead with calm, structure, and consistency.
By implementing her simple methods, we saw real change. Our kids became more respectful, we felt more in control, and the constant battles started to disappear. Even better, the children’s book series she created helped our kids understand these principles in a fun, engaging way. They enjoyed reading them and even shared them with younger siblings.
If you feel like your house is falling apart, there is hope. The key isn’t controlling everything—it’s teaching your children to control themselves.
The Root of the Chaos: A Lack of Self-Government
When homes feel like they’re falling apart, it’s usually because:
✔ Parents feel stressed and reactive instead of calm and in control.
✔ Kids ignore instructions, push boundaries, or resist correction.
✔ There’s no clear structure or expectations, so kids don’t know what to do.
✔ Discipline is inconsistent, leading to power struggles.
Nicholeen Peck teaches that self-government is the ability to regulate your own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Children can (and should) learn this skill, but they need us to teach it to them.
The first step? Becoming a calm, deliberate leader.
Step 1: Take Back Your Calm (Because Yelling Doesn’t Work)
One of the most powerful things Nicholeen teaches is that parental calmness is key. If we want our children to govern themselves, we must govern ourselves first.
Try this:
- When you feel frustrated, take a deep breath before speaking.
- Speak in low, steady tones (kids tune out high-energy reactions).
- If emotions run high, say, “Let’s both take a minute to reset.”
A calm parent is a powerful parent. When we stay consistent in how we react, our children learn to trust our leadership.
Action Step: Next time you feel like yelling, pause. Take a deep breath and give one clear instruction in a neutral tone.
Step 2: Set Clear Expectations (So Kids Know What to Do)
Most chaos comes from unclear expectations. When kids don’t know what’s expected, they push boundaries to test reactions.
Nicholeen taught us to pre-teach expectations before problems arise.
Example:
Instead of waiting for kids to fight over toys, say:
✅ “At playtime, we take turns. If you want a turn, ask politely. Let’s practice now.”
Instead of assuming they’ll clean up after dinner, say:
✅ “After dinner, you’re responsible for clearing your plate. That’s part of being in our family.”
When expectations are clear and reinforced daily, kids start following them naturally.
Action Step: Pick one common battle in your home (e.g., bedtime, cleaning, listening) and pre-teach the expectation today.
Step 3: Use the Rule of Three (A Simple Way to Get Kids to Listen)
If your kids ignore your instructions, here’s a simple, three-step method to get them to follow through without nagging or yelling.
The Rule of Three (Inspired by Nicholeen’s method)
- Give a clear, calm instruction.
✅ Example: “Please put your shoes in the bin.” - Wait 5 seconds without repeating. (Let them process.)
- If they don’t act, say, “You’re choosing to lose ______ by not following instructions.”
This keeps the responsibility on them instead of turning into a power struggle.
Action Step: Try this once today and watch how it shifts the dynamic!
Step 4: Focus on Teaching, Not Punishment
Nicholeen Peck emphasizes that correction should be short, calm, and focused on learning. Instead of long lectures or threats, use the 5-Step Correction Method:
- Describe what should have happened.
- Explain the consequence.
- Have the child practice doing it correctly.
- Praise them for correcting their mistake.
- Move on—don’t hold grudges.
Example:
🚫 Instead of “I told you a hundred times to stop hitting! You’re in big trouble!”
✅ Say, “You should have used your words instead of hitting. Let’s practice using words next time.”
This removes shame and helps kids actually learn from mistakes.
Action Step: Next time you correct your child, use this 5-step method instead of reacting emotionally.
Final Thoughts: Start Small, Stay Consistent
We aren’t perfect at this. Some days we still fall back into old habits. But what changed our home was learning that self-government is a skill, and skills can be taught.
You don’t have to fix everything overnight. Start with one of these steps today:
✔ Stay calm when giving instructions.
✔ Set a clear expectation before a problem happens.
✔ Use the Rule of Three when kids don’t listen.
✔ Correct without lectures—teach instead.
When parents lead with calm, structure, and consistency, the whole house shifts.
You’ve got this! And I’ll be here to walk you through the journey in this series.
Next Up: How to Lead Your Home Without Yelling (The Power of Calm Leadership).