What to Do When Kids Test Boundaries
We’ve all been there—your child looks you straight in the eye and does exactly what you just told them not to do. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and if we’re being honest, sometimes infuriating. But what if we told you there’s a way to handle it that doesn’t involve yelling, threats, or throwing your hands up in defeat?
Nicholeen Peck’s book, Parenting A House United: Changing Children’s Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self-Government, offers a clear, step-by-step approach to keeping your cool and guiding your kids to self-correct—without losing your sanity in the process. Here’s how it’s changed everything for our family.
1. Expect Boundary-Testing (and Stay Calm When It Happens)
Kids test boundaries to feel secure. They’re checking to see if the limits you set are real, and whether you’re going to follow through. Instead of reacting with frustration, remind yourself: This is normal. This is part of the process.
Your job? Stay calm. If you lose control, they learn that they have the power to push your buttons. Instead, when they test a boundary, keep your voice steady and simply follow through with the system you’ve already put in place.
2. Use the 4 Basic Skills to Keep Responses Consistent
One of the biggest game-changers for us was teaching our kids The 4 Basic Skills from Teaching Self-Government:
- Following Instructions – Look at the person, say “okay,” do it immediately, and check back.
- Accepting No Answers – Look at the person, say “okay,” and drop the subject.
- Accepting Consequences – Look at the person, say “okay,” and do the consequence quickly and cheerfully.
- Disagreeing Appropriately – Look at the person, say “I understand,” share your perspective calmly, and accept the decision.
When kids push back, we calmly remind them: What’s the right skill to use right now? Giving them the opportunity to self-correct empowers them and prevents the situation from escalating.
3. Pre-Plan Consequences So You’re Not Caught Off Guard
One of the hardest parts of discipline is figuring out consequences on the spot. When we’re frustrated, we either overreact or we let things slide. The solution? Pre-planned consequences.
We use our Level 1 and Level 2 Consequences List so there’s no guessing game. When a child refuses to follow instructions, we calmly direct them to pick a Level 1 consequence (a small, quick task). If they continue to push the boundary, they move to Level 2. This keeps things structured and eliminates power struggles.
4. Follow Through Every Time (With Love)
Boundaries mean nothing if they’re not enforced. If we say, “If you leave your bike in the driveway, you lose bike privileges for a day,” but then don’t actually enforce it, kids learn that our words don’t mean much.
The key is to follow through consistently and with love. No lectures. No guilt trips. Just a simple, “Because you didn’t follow instructions, you have a consequence. Let me know when you’ve completed it.” Then, when they do, we celebrate their success.
5. Praise Good Behavior (Even More Than You Correct the Bad)
When kids test boundaries, it’s easy to focus on what they’re doing wrong. But Teaching Self-Government reminds us that kids need at least four times more praise than correction to stay motivated.
Catch them doing something right. A simple “Thanks for putting your shoes away the first time I asked!” goes a long way in reinforcing positive behavior.
Parent With Confidence
Since implementing these principles, our home is calmer, more predictable, and filled with more mutual respect. When kids test boundaries, we don’t get flustered—we follow the plan. And the result? Our kids feel safe, we feel in control, and discipline becomes about teaching, not punishing.
Free Download: Download the 4 Basic Skills for Raising Self-Governing Kids
Have you tried these strategies in your home? Share your experiences in the comments!
Up Next: How Pre-Teaching Transforms Parenting
What if you could prevent most of those struggles before they even started? That’s where pre-teaching to reduce conflict comes in.