Teaching Children to Reduce Conflict: Strategies for Harmony
Ever feel like you’re constantly putting out fires with your kids? Correcting the same behaviors over and over again? What if you could prevent most of those struggles before they even started? That’s where pre-teaching comes in—a game-changing concept from Nicholeen Peck’s Teaching Self-Government that has revolutionized how we parent.
What Is Pre-Teaching?
Pre-teaching is exactly what it sounds like—teaching kids what’s expected before a situation arises, instead of correcting them after they’ve already made a mistake. It’s proactive parenting, and it works wonders.
Instead of waiting for a child to whine in the store, fight with a sibling, or meltdown at bedtime, we teach them in advance how to handle those moments correctly. This gives them the tools they need to make better choices before emotions take over.
Why Pre-Teaching Works
- Removes the guesswork – Kids aren’t left wondering what the right behavior is.
- Reduces power struggles – They feel prepared instead of blindsided.
- Boosts confidence – They know exactly how to succeed in tricky situations.
- Strengthens relationships – Less correction means more positive connection.
How to Use Pre-Teaching in Everyday Life
1. Identify Potential Challenges
Think about when your kids struggle the most. Common ones in our home:
- Grocery store meltdowns
- Arguing about screen time limits
- Complaining when asked to help
- Interrupting conversations
- Not wanting to go to bed
Once you know the triggers, you can pre-teach before they happen.
2. Teach the Expected Behavior in a Calm Moment
Pick a time when your child is relaxed and say something like: “We’re going to the store soon. Sometimes kids feel frustrated when they don’t get a treat. What’s the right way to handle that?”
Walk them through it:
- Describe the correct behavior – “If you want something, you can ask politely. If I say no, what should you say?”
- Have them practice – “Let’s pretend I said no. Show me how you accept that answer.”
- Encourage success – “Great job! That’s exactly what I want to see at the store.”
3. Role-Play to Make It Stick
Role-playing helps kids experience the right behavior before the real moment happens.
Example: If your child struggles with interrupting, practice like this:
- You start a pretend conversation with your spouse.
- Your child practices placing their hand on your arm and waiting.
- You acknowledge them quickly: “Thank you for waiting. What do you need?”
This builds muscle memory so they’re ready when it really happens.
4. Reinforce with Praise and Reminders
Before heading into a situation, give a quick refresher: “Remember, at the store today, what do we do if I say no?”
Then, when they succeed, celebrate it! “I saw you accept my no answer without complaining—great job!” Praise helps the lesson stick.
What If It Doesn’t Work Right Away?
Pre-teaching isn’t a one-and-done fix—it’s a process. If your child struggles, stay calm and use it as another learning moment:
- Review what went wrong – “I noticed you got frustrated when I said no. Let’s try again.”
- Have them practice – “Next time, what can you say instead?”
- Encourage a redo – “Let’s pretend we’re at the store again. Show me how you handle it right.”
Pre-Teaching = Less Stress, More Success
Since using pre-teaching in our home, we’ve seen a huge reduction in whining, arguing, and power struggles. Our kids feel more in control because they know what’s expected. And we feel calmer because we’re preventing problems instead of constantly reacting to them.
Try it this week! Pick one recurring struggle, pre-teach before it happens, and watch the difference.
Up Next: How to Repair Relationships When Kids Resist Authority
Even with pre-teaching, there will still be moments when kids push back. In our next post, we’ll cover how to rebuild trust and strengthen relationships when discipline creates distance.