The Two Great Fears Every Parent Carries
Every parent I know—especially those of us raising multiple kids—carries the same quiet tension in our hearts.
Did I push too hard?
Or… did I not push hard enough?
These two fears sit on opposite ends of the same spectrum, yet somehow we feel them both—often in the very same day. One moment we worry we’re being too demanding, too structured, too intense. The next, we’re afraid we’re being too soft, too hands-off, too passive.
And the weight of those questions can be exhausting.
Fear #1: “What if I pushed too hard?”
This fear usually shows up when we see our child struggle.
We wonder if our expectations were too high. If our standards crushed creativity. If discipline felt more like pressure than protection. We replay moments where we corrected, coached, or challenged and ask ourselves if we crossed a line.
Loving parents don’t want to break their children’s spirits—we want to build them.
But here’s something I’ve learned as a dad: pushing hard is not the same as loving poorly. Children need challenge. They need guidance. They need adults willing to say, “I believe you can do more than this.”
The danger isn’t effort—it’s pushing without connection.
Fear #2: “What if I didn’t push hard enough?”
This fear usually shows up later.
When kids grow older. When opportunities pass. When habits settle in. When we wonder if we should’ve stepped in sooner, spoken up louder, or held the line longer.
We worry we protected comfort instead of character.
We ask ourselves if we avoided conflict because it was easier—or because we were tired.
And again, here’s the truth most parents don’t hear enough: loving grace is not the same as neglect. Giving space doesn’t mean giving up. Sometimes restraint is wisdom.
The danger isn’t gentleness—it’s disengagement.
Why These Fears Exist at the Same Time
These fears coexist because parenting isn’t a formula – it’s a relationship.
What one child needs at age six isn’t what another needs at sixteen. What motivates one sibling may discourage another. That’s why blanket parenting strategies fall apart in real families.
Which is exactly why intentional mentoring has become such a cornerstone in our home.
Mentoring Changes the Question
One-on-one mentoring doesn’t remove these fears—but it reframes them.
Instead of asking:
Am I pushing too hard or not hard enough?
We begin asking:
What does this child need right now?
That starts to shift everything.
In Mentoring for Different Ages: Why One-on-One Mentoring Transforms Family Relationships, I share how tailoring time and expectations to each child builds trust and clarity—for both parent and child.
When we sit down regularly, distraction-free, and listen, we gain insight we’d never get through correction alone.
In How to Run a Powerful Mentoring Session with Your Child, I walk through how we structure these conversations so they stay safe, intentional, and productive—not lectures, not interrogations, but connection points.
And returning again to How to Run a Powerful Mentoring Session with Your Child reminds us that consistency matters more than perfection. It’s the rhythm of showing up that creates long-term influence.
Download for free the mentoring sheets we use with our children.
Presence Is the Bridge Between the Fears
Here’s what mentoring has taught me:
When you are present, you don’t have to guess as much.
Presence tells you when to press and when to pause. When to challenge and when to comfort. When to raise expectations and when to reinforce safety.
Presence doesn’t eliminate mistakes—but it shortens the distance between hearts.
A Word of Encouragement
If you’re worried you pushed too hard, it’s likely because you care deeply.
If you’re worried you didn’t push enough, it’s likely because you’re still invested.
Indifference is the real danger—and you’re clearly not there.
Parenting isn’t about getting the balance perfect every day. It’s about staying engaged long enough for course correction.
Every day. Every conversation. Every mentoring moment.
And that’s more than enough.
If this resonated with you, I invite you to explore our mentoring resources and consider how one intentional conversation a week could change the tone of your home—one child at a time.